Book Recommendations for Mental Health May

“You are not alone” is often something I say, or write, when discussing mental health struggles, but it also makes me laugh because it sounds a bit ominous, too, like maybe I should turn around and look behind me. I think that’s also the look I often get (ominous) when trying to explain Harm OCD to people who’ve never heard of it before. Somewhere in their head they must be thinking, Wait, someone can have intrusive thoughts that they feel they can’t stop–sometimes even very violent thoughts that scare them–and not be violent themselves?

“Yep! Absolutely, and it’s so much more common than you think!” The same mechanism that causes a person to check the same door lock repeatedly or wash their hands until they bleed can cause a thought to loop until the person is in tears. I tell people this at book signings all the time. Intrusive thoughts are actually quite common among true OCD sufferers–not the clichéd stereotyped version of OCD we hear about all too often. We need to be able to talk about our mental health struggles so no one has to suffer in isolation, thinking they are the only ones dealing with these things. Let’s check in with each other, listen longer, and be a little slower to judge. Most of us are going through something we aren’t talking about.

In fact, this month I’m happy to introduce you to some different books from authors who’ve expressed their struggles and how they dealt with them in creative ways. My friend Tara Rocker talks candidly about her challenges with depression in her book My Sweet Home Georgia Cookbook. You can cook up some amazing recipes and gain courage from her honesty about what her path forward looked like. To learn more head to taradeloachrocker.com

Beverly Armento has written a multi-award winning memoir titled Seeing Eye Girl. As the “Seeing Eye Girl” for her blind, artistic, and mentally ill mother, Beverly Armento was intimately connected with and responsible for her, even though her mother physically and emotionally abused her. She was Strong Beverly at school—excellent in academics and mentored by caring teachers—but at home she was Weak Beverly, cowed by her mother’s rage and delusions. To learn more head to beverlyarmentoauthor.com

If you’re looking for fiction books having to do with mental health, Tara Allred offers just that with Sander’s Starfish. Dr. John Sanders is about to begin his career as a clinical psychologist. Full of optimism, he believes he can make a difference and is eager to provide hope to a group the world has deemed hopeless. Yet in John’s quest to offer those in his care a second chance, he embarks on his own journey of self-discovery. In his search, clear answers become scrambled confusion while the unimaginable truth is trapped in a complex web. To learn more head to taracallred.net

And finally, Nicholas, in my urban fantasy Nicholas Eternal is struggling with his mental health when the story opens. He is in as much need of saving as the children he has been tasked for an eternity with saving. I’d always wanted to write a hero who was so absolutely human and relatable that the more we peeled back the layers, the less you saw a powerful immortal and the more you saw a simple man, as scared and flawed as we all are, perhaps more so because so much more is expected of him. Too much really, but doesn’t it feel that way for must of us, much of the time?

To learn more about Kim’s fiction head to Kimconrey.com

Be well and hang in there, my friends. People you haven’t even met yet care about you and want you to succeed.

Here are some great resources if you or someone you know is in need of help:

​NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness

​988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline ​

​IOCDF International Obsessive Compulsive Foundation

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The Things I’ve Heard

“People just don’t understand.

No, they don’t, but I’m here. I do. And I’ll keep showing up.”

Since I’ve been out at bookstores doing signings with the OCD memoir that I co-authored with my adult child, You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD, I feel like I’ve just about heard it all. Yes, there’s certainly the typical response, “Oh, look honey,” the wife says as she turns to the husband while pointing at my book, “a book about OCD. I should get that. You know how mad I get when you disorganize my alphabetized spice rack.” They share a chuckle. Oh, yes. I sold the book to her without correcting her. No need. When she reads it, she will understand what OCD truly is. Inevitable cringing will follow, and the chuckle will vanish. One day, they might even educate someone else about what OCD really is.

I don’t think people misuse the term on purpose. It’s just really hard to change a harmful perception that has burrowed so firmly into the public collective. And why does it matter if people get it wrong? Well, when my teenager with severe OCD came home from high school health class years ago and told me they didn’t need therapy because their teacher told them OCD was a “neatness” disorder and they weren’t neat, it mattered a lot! They were tormented by compulsions but that one misunderstanding from someone they trusted, had them utterly confused and delaying therapy.

Then there’s the person who says, “Yes, I have that!” They go on to describe the bins their knickknacks have been arranged into, smiling the whole time. When I say how tormenting OCD was for me and my child, they seem confused. They’re confused because we are NOT experiencing the same thing. That’s the problem with a society that thinks it’s okay to joke about a mental illness and make sweatshirts that say, “I’m OCD for Christmas!” and other such nonsense. When I get a stomachache, I don’t suddenly claim to understand what it is like to have cancer. It isn’t the same thing, people. Yes, there are different degrees or expressions of OCD, but in general, if you can organize your stuff, walk away, and feel relieved, then you probably don’t have OCD. If you organize it, then do it another ten times with tears running down your face because it will never be enough, well, there might be something there.

Another of my other least-favorite comments is, “Aren’t we all a little OCD?” One guy flippantly said this as he looked at the cover of my book, dismissing my struggle without so much as cracking the spine of the memoir. Well, no we aren’t. We can all get a little fixated when we have a desired outcome in mind or get really interested in a project, but no, we do not all have clinical obsessive compulsive disorder. One study identified four genes in people with OCD that neurotypical people do not have. Also, the brain of a person with OCD looks different on a scan. Not only does it show up hotter in the affected regions, but it is literally thicker in some areas and thinner in others. The exception to all this seems to be Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcal infections (PANDAS), which is a form of OCD activated by a strong virus.

Here’s an excellent article explaining OCD and Harm OCD and the mechanisms that switch them on: https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/harm-ocd-hurting-others

For now, what can I do? I can keep heading out into the world with this message. Sure, it’s annoying to be met with the stereotypes. It’s also beautiful from time to time, like when someone walks up to me and says, “Thank you for writing this book,” because they believe it will help their son/daughter, brother/sister, etc. There are also those moments of connection when someone who actually does have true, clinical OCD looks at me with haunted eyes and says, “I’m so glad you’re writing about this. People just don’t understand.”

No, they don’t, but I’m here. I do. And I’ll keep showing up.

Finding the Joy

“…this is joy even if the subject matter is not so joyous. We are here to connect, to feel, to bear witness.”

It’s been a very busy year. Nicholas Eternal, a book I wrote back in 2015, was finally published this past summer. The next book in the Ares series, Losing Ares, came out in October, and the memoir that I wrote with my adult child, Finn, ​You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD​, about living with obsessive compulsive disorder and intrusive thoughts, was published in November. ​Stealing Ares​, the first book in the Ares series, won Georgia Author of the Year in the romance category. That was a proud moment, to be sure.

You’d think that would mean this year was just one big celebration. Instead, it was just a lot of worrying about marketing. Am I doing enough and in the right places? I can’t help but ask myself, are these things making me happy? Then again, as my cussing nun in Stealing Ares tells Harlow Hanson when she asks her if she’s happy, “Happy is subject to shifting moods, fleeting. I’m… joyous.” So, here we are, with the much better question, “Am I joyous?”

Maybe some of you can relate. I have a driven personality. If you combine that with growing up in an atmosphere where nothing was done for you, and even help was rare, you never really gain a sense of security. You come to understand that if you are to achieve something, anything, you must work for it. Relentlessly. No one is going to swoop in and do it for you. This may sound good. Right? Discipline. Dedication. However, like most things in life, without moderation…off the rails we go.

As I sift through the book launches and marketing plans searching for the joy, a memory surfaces of my daughter at 5 years old running her hand down the wood grain on the side of the house. The world seemed to slow for her, came into focus, and she was just there, noticing that there was texture and pattern in a single plank of wood. She was in that moment doing nothing else, then she looked up at me and smiled.

At the Women’s Wellness Conference in October where I debuted my memoir, You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD, I experienced a profound connection as a woman walked up to me, picked up my book, and said softly, “I think this is what is wrong with my son.” All the chatter in the lobby faded into the background. I looked into her eyes and saw the pain of a mother who’d been searching for answers and feeling inadequate. I know this pain well. This was the first of many such encounters. They happen nearly any time I’m out in public selling this book. I am not worried about marketing when these moments occur. I’m not thinking about Amazon rankings, reviews, ratings, or any other thing that will never really bring me true joy, I’m in the moment making a connection with another soul. For me, this is the very definition of soul: transcendent, powerful yet quiet, present—this is joy even if the subject matter is not so joyous. We are here to connect, to feel, to bear witness.

I guess I do experience joy, just not in the way I expected to, and I’m working on slowing down and celebrating now and then. I’ve come to understand I need work in this area, to say the least.

As the year winds down, I want to thank you for your support and wish you what is true, beautiful, and sacred. I wish you moments of connection. Pure and lasting joy. May you know them when you see them. May the world slow around you as you treasure them.

Digging Deep

“…may we all tell the stories that come straight from our hearts, especially the ones that are difficult to unpack, the ones that could use a little more light. Is it a story that’s hard to tell? I’d argue those are the moments when we are guarding treasure, when someone needs what we have. May we all have the courage to dig deep.

I wish you a chisel, a shovel, maybe even dynamite to blast through the walls that keep your story hidden, and the courage to dig, dig, dig.”

This has been the busiest year of my life. Losing Ares, the next book in my Ares Ascending sci-fi romance series will be out on October 12th. Back in June Stealing Ares, the first book in the series, won Georgia Author of the Year in the romance category. That was a huge surprise! When I heard it was entered under the romance category, I figured the judge would take one look at it and say, “What’s this sci-fi book doing in here?” But, they gave it the close read it deserved, and it won. Thank you to my wonderful friend and fellow Wild Women Who Write Take Flight podcaster, Kathy Nichols, for nominating me. And here I thought it was a massive long shot.

Also in June, my urban fantasy that I wrote back in 2015, Nicholas Eternal, finally saw publication. It certainly carries a piece of my heart as it is very loosely based on the time I spent as a children’s advocate in the CASA—Court-Appointed Special Advocates— program, which  advocates for the needs of abused and neglected children. However, I didn’t have a set of holy daggers and a supernatural tracking ability to hunt down those who harm the vulnerable like my protagonist Nicholas does. In the meantime, I’m busy marketing all these things, giving book marketing talks, and co-authoring a marketing book with my friend Roger Johns, a thriller author.

Of all these things, as wonderful as they are, what I am most proud of is the memoir that is in preorder about mine and my oldest child’s journey with Harm OCD titled, You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD. It was hard to write, hard to revisit all those memories, but I know, ultimately, the harder these things are to unpack, the more desperately they need the light. The very fact that it’s difficult means that it needs to be done.

The paperback will be released on October 26th, followed by the eBook on November 2nd. The book will make its debut at the Mind, Body, and Soul Women’s Wellness Conference on October 20th at the Lake Oconee Church in Greensboro, GA. I will be speaking on a panel with other female writers, talking about having the courage to tell our stories.

To that end, may we all tell the stories that come straight from our hearts, especially the ones that are difficult to unpack, the ones that could use a little more light. Is it a story that’s hard to tell? I’d argue those are the moments when we are guarding treasure, when someone needs what we have. May we all have the courage to dig deep.

I wish you a chisel, a shovel, maybe even dynamite to blast through the walls that keep your story hidden, and the courage to dig, dig, dig.

Here’s the overview for You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD.

You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD takes the reader on the journey of me and my oldest child, Finn, as we grapple with the unseen, misunderstood beast known as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). This includes me finding teenaged Finn shaking and dry heaving on the bathroom floor and saying if the violent, looping images they see in their head could come true, then they don’t deserve to live.

While an estimated 1 in 40 adults and 1 in 100 children suffer from OCD, it is estimated that up to 50% of both groups also suffer with the intrusive violent thoughts of Harm OCD and it is estimated to be even higher among youths at 70%. These thoughts include frightening, recurring mental images of hurting oneself or others. The fear and stigma of disclosing such notions keep sufferers from getting help. No one wants to admit to thoughts of harming someone they love. But they’re not murderers: they just have Harm OCD.

In this memoir, I reach into my past of dealing with Harm OCD and attempt to drag some light into the present to illuminate both our paths.

“You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD is a prime example of the kind of candid, thoughtful memoir needed to convince people they are not alone in their mental health struggles and that capable help is available, and often essential.” —Doug Smith, M.D., DLFAPA Director of Community Psychiatry at Northeast Ohio Medical University

“…written with deep reflection and honesty, as well as infinite love. You will not be disappointed in this beautiful memoir.” —Beverly J. Armento, author, Seeing Eye Girl: A Memoir of Madness, Resilience, and Hope

“You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD rocked me. I’ve been a medical doctor for 38 years and have never read a more brave, authentic and honest description of mental illness and its effects on the individual and the family. If you are a human who desires to help others, this book is for you.” —Martha B. Boone, M.D. author of The Unfettered Urologist 

Look for You’re Not a Murderer: You Just Have Harm OCD on October 26th or you may preorder here.

To check out my fiction, feel free to head to Kimconrey.com

To ERP Is Human; to Forgive Divine

“Take a breath. Remember your ERP training. Remember how far you’ve come, but also remember, you are human.“

It’s bedtime. I yawn, close my door, thankful that the days of dreading bedtime as if it were a trip to the dentist are behind me. Obsessive compulsive disorder always plagued me the worst at night. It was as if it knew when I was at my weakest, most vulnerable, and picked those moments to strike. As I’ve grown older and become a veteran at practicing exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), the raging OCD I experienced back in my teens and twenties is but a faint whisper that only pops up every now and then, but as I’ve mentioned before, it finds ways to remind me. I’m about to climb into bed when I see it: violent images of me and the ones I love being murdered in our sleep. Then I feel the compulsion to check the door. But herein lies the issue: checking once is reasonable. Twelve times is obsessive compulsive. I confirm the door is locked. Then…

IT. BEGINS.

The itch, the niggle, the Oh-dear-God-not-again feeling of OCD rearing its ugly head.

It says to me, well, you know you’re near-sighted. Plus, you are at the top of the stairs looking at a door that is at the bottom of the stairs. How can you be truly sure the deadbolt is turned the right way? After all, isn’t it all one nickel-plated blur from up here? Yeah, don’t go look again. Sign everyone’s death warrant!

I’d like to say I didn’t close the door, feel a little rush of panic, give in and open it again, but I did. A good student of ERP knows we accept the uncomfortableness no matter how bad it feels. I’d argue I’m still a good ERP practitioner, but I’m also that pesky little species known as human. Lord help me. I’m prone to panic and failure. Aren’t we all? I opened the door and checked the deadbolt three times, BUT I didn’t run down the stairs to get a close up look, and I didn’t check 27 more times (I’d certainly done that back in the day), OR check after having already laid down in bed and drifted off several times. I can celebrate how far I’ve come while simultaneously acknowledging a fumble.

Why tell on myself in this little post after so many years of success? Because somebody needs to hear it. Take a breath. Remember your ERP training. Remember how far you’ve come, but also remember, you are human.

You’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of you.