Here We Go Again?

I’m looking in through the window of Finn’s car, and my heart sinks. I see dozens of used disinfecting wipes all over the seats, floors, and dashboard. I’ve seen them using the wipes here and there in the house and told Finn they weren’t for use on their skin, as they stand there wiping their hands, arms, and legs with them but seeing this many in their car… it hits home, hard. They’d been doing well for several years now. They’d come so far from the days of sobbing meltdowns on the bathroom floor, even dry heaving over the toilet when the looping intrusive thoughts of OCD would scare them so badly. Far, far from the days of cracked hands with raw fissures that stung like fire when I tried to apply lotion to them. Ever since they started working at the Pet, Vetting, and Boarding Center, the OCD has crawled out of its hole, not unlike that scene from The Ring when that scary girl crawls from the well.

At the Pet Center, it’s Finn’s job to take the dogs out and clean their kennels. Yes, that might start a germ frenzy in general, BUT the heartworm dogs must be kept separate from the general dogs, just like the dogs that occasionally get something like giardia. So, if you are a person who is prone to OCD, you say to yourself, “Well, they didn’t tell me to bring different shoes when I take the heartworm dog in and out but what if some of his germs stick to my shoes or pants and one of the well dogs brushes up against me, or what if I bring worms or giardia home to my own animals?” AND “I washed my hands at work then drove home, but I’m not sure if I washed my hands thoroughly enough last Tuesday, and I’m touching the same steering wheel, therefore my hands are contaminated, aren’t they?” I’m going to be responsible for a dog dying. Oh, God! Not to mention going back multiple times after getting halfway home to check the doors of the facility just one more time to make sure they are truly locked.

IT. BEGINS. And it doesn’t end until they are back in therapy. 

One could look at this as a defeat. They were doing so well. They’d wrestled their life back from the tight, unrelenting jaws of OCD. They’d even studied abroad in Japan for four months. However, I see this whole thing in a different light. LIGHT always being the key word. “Better out than in,” as Shrek would say, and what we drag into the light can now be dealt with. It represents something we had not yet faced. What it is, no matter how tormenting it may seem, is an opportunity for growth. We are better down the line for what we face today.

Finn called and made the appointment with their therapist and already seems to be doing better. They are strong enough to know when they need help and smart enough to know this is not a weakness. This is what courage looks like, facing our issues.

I am once again and always proud that they are mine.

I may not know you, but if you are courageous enough to seek help for yourself, I’m proud of you, too. Stay in the fight. You’re worth it.